I bid thee stay awhile; bathe in the grace, divined to me by the Gods, and transmitted through sinew and bone—I, the lightning rod between heaven and page. Without further ado, I shall deliver you the "news," as I see it; which, by any measure, be a vision more acute than e'en the horniest drunkard locking a pair of lapping eyes on a pair of longly maidens legs; but for you—presumably dumb reader—as a trusted shepherd speaks to the blind, so shall I lead you through the darkness and into enlightenment. For you have been hornswaggled in these uncertain times by what shrouds itself under the guise of "news."; and, of which, I hope to unmask and lay reft of any gross pretense. Should there be misgivings along the way, or should my brash words shake those of more modest of temperament, I humbly offer no apology.
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